I was having a very bad day at work (which is itself a trait of the old) when a fleet and kindly messenger arrived in my office and brightened my day with a copy of “How Not to Act Old,” by my new blogger friend Pamela Redmond Satran (she also has a blog, complete with instructional youtube videos, http://www.hownottoactold.com). The book seemed to fall open to the sins of which I am guilty: saying “awesome” (Chapter 2) and “what are you, twelve?” (Chapter 79) and counting out exact change (Chapter 146).

Other ways to camouflage the years? Don’t wear a watch (Chapter 3), dance to “Sexual Healing” (7), or leave voice mails (6). (If you don't say why you called, curiosity will compel a response; besides, you come off as busy and cool, rather than bossy and tiresome.) Talking is the greatest challenge. Don’t talk: too much (58, 177), negatively (75), like a parent (33, 46, 53, 135, 136) about your health (45, 61), to strangers (182), in an Andy Rooney-like rant (177), or, really, at all (77). “Young people use silence to mean all kinds of things … don’t get mad, just get silent.”

Reading is out (96), as is dieting (97), housework (62) (yay!) or being named “Bob or Pat” (95, which shows a progressive timeline of hip names, “Regular Old Name: Judy. 10 Years Younger: Jody. 30 Years Younger: Jolie.” Other examples: “Wayne … Blaine … Zane” and “Carol … Holly … Christmas.”)

Pamela Redmond Satran is seriously funny. And sadly, I can offer a few tips of my own, should she try a chapter on, say, “How Not to Act Old in New York”: Don’t say “Pan Am Building,” “The Triborough Bridge,” or “where Coliseum Books used to be.”

Got all that?

Thaynk Kyeeew (Chapter 172)
No problem (Chapter 65)

Labels: How Not to Act Old

posted by Elizabeth at 8:38 AM